Since he’s already in America, the best thing England manager Thomas Tuchel could do right now is call up Best Quality Vacuum, an honest-to-god small business a couple of states away in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and say the following magic words: “I need a dust filter for a Hoover MaxExtract PressurePro model 60.”
Then wait for the red Toyota van to arrive and take him away.
In the hit TV series Breaking Bad, that request is code for a service which helps criminals and fugitives escape law enforcement by providing them with a new identity and a new life in a new part of the country. If only it were real; Tuchel could use it.
What else does he do now? How could he possibly return to England as public enemy number one? Why would he not want a random red van to scoop him up and turn him into a completely different person?
Long before the first of Argentina’s two Lionel Messi-created goals in the semi-final in Atlanta, which sealed one of the greatest World Cup comeback wins, you could hear the knives being sharpened.
Why did Tuchel take off Anthony Gordon, England’s goalscorer and most potent attacking threat, in the 72nd minute, for Ezri Konsa, a centre-back? Why did he withdraw Declan Rice, England’s midfield controller, in the 82nd minute, for Dan Burn, another centre-back? And if Reece James had to come off injured at the same time, was there not another lever he could pull than Nico O’Reilly?
These are easy questions to ask in hindsight – but they were easy to ask in real time. People asked them. The evidence is there if you want to look it up. On social media, fans, journalists and pundits wondered out loud whether Tuchel had gone too defensive, too early, and whether they would soon pay for those decisions. Why did he not believe in his team?
Three minutes after the Rice-Burn swap, their worst fears were realised when Messi’s short corner found Enzo Fernandez, who spectacularly swept the ball into the net from outside the box. Argentina already had the momentum; now the atmosphere was in their favour, too.
England had started the second half brilliantly and deserved to take the lead. Gordon’s goal was wonderfully well-worked. The game was under their control. But against a team as street-smart and determined as Argentina, inspired by a force as inevitable as Messi, one goal was never going to be enough to kill them off. Like any Hollywood villain, you can’t leave them there merely wounded. You have to go for the jugular and see the life go out of their eyes. England had to go for a second goal.
Instead, they reached for the liferaft, switched to a back five, sat deeper and invited pressure.
The problem with going down that road is that it’s too narrow. There’s no room to perform a U-turn if required. So, at 1-1, and then 2-1 after Lauturo Martinez’s header in the second minute of stoppage time, England had to chase the game wearing shackles.
Between Gordon’s goal and the eventual winner, they saw just 12 per cent of possession. They ended the game with seven defenders on the pitch and Burn playing up front; sending a centre-back to play as a striker is the ultimate sign of both desperation and resignation.
Tuchel, a German manager best known for his time with Chelsea, is just the third foreigner to coach England. His appointment was highly controversial for this reason, but it was ultimately accepted by those who believed that, after so many heartbreaking near-misses in major tournaments, the Football Association had to do something different to break the cycle and help drag this star-studded team over the line.
A proven winner with a ruthless streak, Tuchel was seen as the right kind of different – but because of his background, if things went wrong, he would not be given any grace. And so it’s proved: the consensus from the English football commentariat is that Tuchel committed the fatal sin of “tactical cowardice”, that he “bottled” the semi-final, and that England’s failure was down to him and him alone.
Speaking post-match, Tuchel played down the impact of his substitutions and tactical decisions, saying England’s main issue was not structural, but mental. As coach, he took responsibility for what had happened but also said that he had no regrets, which is probably what you have to tell yourself in such moments.
“Of course we wanted to go for a second goal, but I didn’t have the feeling that an offensive substitution would help,” he told the BBC. “If it doesn’t go well, it’s easy to say that it was wrong.”
Unfortunately for Tuchel, there will be no red van coming to collect him and take him to a safe house. Only a flight home and a nation clamouring for his head.
